When I Say Quotes When I Say Quotes Funny
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Looking for a good laugh? We've got you covered with a huge list of funny quotes to make you laugh out loud.
Laughter truly is the best medicine for your soul.
Not only does laughter reduce stress, it lowers your blood pressure, gives you an excellent ab workout, and releases endorphins.
So enjoy these 300 funny quotes, sayings, and observations and get laughing today.
Funny Quotes
I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
Mitch Hedberg
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
Don Marquis
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
Abraham Lincoln
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Abraham Lincoln
An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
Dylan Thomas
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Albert Einstein
War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
Ambrose Pierce
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.
Ann Landers
I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical.
Arthur C. Clarke
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Bob Hope
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
Caroline Rhea
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Charles Lamb
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
Charles Shulz
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Charlie Chaplin
Political correctness is tyranny with manners.
Charleton Heston
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
Dalai Lama
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Dale Carnegie
Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
Daniel J. Boorstin
Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.
Emo Philips
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
Alexander Woollcott
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma Bombeck
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Bill Waterson
Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop.
Gertrude Stein
All men are equal before fish.
Herbert Hoover
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimov
My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.
Jean Rostand
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Katharine Hepburn
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Mark Twain
I am only human, although I regret it.
Mark Twain
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Norm Crosby
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.
Oscar Levant
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
Tom Lehrer
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. Fields
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.
Sam Levenson
He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything – that clearly points to a political career.
George Bernard Shaw
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers
I had plastic surgery last week – I cut up my credit cards.
Henny Youngman
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
Dennis Wholey
Funny Quotes from Comedians
Nobody provides laughs like comedians. After all, they do it for a living!
These funny quotes are some of the best we could find from hilarious actors and comics alike.
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
Andy Rooney
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Dave Barry
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
David Letterman
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
Fred Allen
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns
Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman… or a bad woman.
George Burns
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron?
George Carlin
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they're cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Jerry Seinfeld
According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.
Jay Leno
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
Jackie Mason
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Bill Maher
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
Bill Maher
If you think you have it tough, read history books.
Bill Maher
This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.
Bill Maher
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'
Conan O'Brien
The only bathroom law I'm interested in is one that bans loud sighing.
Conan O'Brien
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
The road to success is always under construction.
Lily Tomlin
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Naguib Mahfouz
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin
Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.
Gilbert Gottfried
If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.
Gilbert Gottfried
The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.
Zach Galifianakis
Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there's your diamond in the rough.
Larry David
If I wasn't a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable.
Larry David
I'm one of the few people in Hollywood who actually had a good childhood.
Seth MacFarlane
Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.
Tina Fey
Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
Steve Martin
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Joan Rivers
Don't keep a man guessing too long – he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.
Mae West
I'm not for everyone. I'm barely for me.
Marc Maron
Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.
Margaret Culkin Banning
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
Matt Groening
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.
Jon Stewart
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.
Jon Stewart
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn;t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena.
Jon Stewart
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Mike Myers
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Milton Berle
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
Milton Berle
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Redd Foxx
When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
Richard Lewis
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.
Rita Mae Brown
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner
If you want to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield, Back to School
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen
Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.
Woody Allen
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.
Bill Murray
Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.
Bill Murray
Before you marry a person, you should at least make them use a computer with a slow internet connection to find out who they really are.
Will Ferrell
Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
George Eliot
Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.
Thomas Sowell
If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.
Dick Cavett
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.
Sid Caesar
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Jay Leno
Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.
Mae West
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
Franklin Jones
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner – and the distance you are from your car.
Demetri Martin
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin
I live about four muggings from Central Park.
Henny Youngman
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Henny Youngman
I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.
Ron White
DeBeers should change it's motto to 'Diamonds – that'll shut her up… for a minute!'
Ron White
I wouldn't camp out for five days if was… camping.
Ron White
Quotes to Make You Laugh
Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.
Benjamin Franklin
Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.
Bob Thaves
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.
Clarence Darrow
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Dave Barry
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
Douglas Adams
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Earl Wilson
A woman is like a tea bag – you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
Eleanor Roosevelt
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Emo Philips
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
George Burns
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
George Carlin
To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.
George W. Bush
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
Here's to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!
Groucho Marx
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Harlan Ellison
Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.
Helen Rowland
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
Henny Youngman
Sickos don't scare me. At least they're committed.
Michelle Pfeiffer, Batman Returns
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Charles Schulz
Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.
Greg Tamblyn
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Jay Leno
Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
James Thurber
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.
Josh Billings
The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.
Kin Hubbard
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
Kurt Vonnegut
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark Twain
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Mark Twain
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Miles Kington
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Natalie Wood
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Oscar Wilde
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
Paul Fix
A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B.
Fatz Domino
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.
Thomas Lansing Masson
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Rodney Dangerfield
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?
Ronald Reagan
Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.
Sam Ewing
I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife)… but still my own.
Si Robertson
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Steven Wright
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
H.L. Mencken
I told you to go to Cox's and buy a searsucker suit, but it looks like you went to Sears instead.
Jay Shulte
I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms.
Michael Scott
Hilarious Sayings
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
Ashleigh Brilliant
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Bryan White
But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
Carl Sagan
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
E. B. White
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Ernest Hemingway
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
George Carlin
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Groucho Marx
Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.
Voltaire
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Groucho Marx
It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.
Ronald Reagan
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Winston Chruchill
f you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
Jane Wagner
Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.
Jessica Simpson
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.
Sam Levenson
Once you give up integrity, the rest is a piece of cake.
J.R. Ewing, Dallas
A fool and his money never should have got together in the first place.
Michael Douglas, Wall Street
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
Derek Bok
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
H. Kyle Seale
Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
Mark Twain
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
Jim Davis
Age is just a number. It's totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.
Joan Collins
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
John F. Kenendy
If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.
Peter Cook
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Oscar Levant
A camel is a horse designed by a committee.
Sir Alec Issigonis
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Robert Bloch
It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!
Steven Weinberg
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Steven Wright
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Samuel Goldwyn
I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.
Scott Adams
When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney J. Harris
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
W.C. Fields
We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don't know.
W. H. Auden
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
Will Rogers
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Will Rogers
I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
Steve Carell, The Office
You cannot soar with the eagles as long as you hang out with the turkeys.
Joel Osteen
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
Charles Dudley Warner
If at first you don't succeed, quit. When life gives you lemons, quit. When the going gets tough, the tough just quit.
Jim Rome
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
Bill Hicks
Funny Observations
Sometimes simply observing daily life provides enough funny quotes to make you laugh.
These humorous observation quotes are a great way to reflect and add some levity to daily situations.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Al McGuire
Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.
Oscar Wilde
Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.
Albert Camus
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
Albert Einstein
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Ann Landers
Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
Anton Chekhov
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.
Christopher Morley
If you love something set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.
Dennis Waitley
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
Desmond Morris
Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.
Doug Larson
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
George Burns
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
George Carlin
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Billy Sunday
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.
Walter Mathau
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Groucho Marx
It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.
Harry Hill
Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil.
J. Paul Getty
Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there's nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don't have the money to buy both.
Janet Evanovich
Haters are just confused admirers because they can't figure out the reason why everyone loves you.
Jeffree Star
The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.
Jim Harrison
Americans are incredibly impatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.
Jim Rohn
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Navjot Singh Sidhu
The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.
John Maynard Keynes
Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid.
John Wayne
If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.
Bill Vaughan
Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.
Laurence J. Peter
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.
Norm Crosby
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Paul R. Ehrlich
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
Robert Frost
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
Scott Adams
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
Will Rogers
A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
William James
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing – that's why we recommend it daily.
Zig Ziglar
You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there.
Yogi Berra
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
Winston Chruchill
Never follow anyone else's path. Unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.
Ellen DeGeneris
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
Any pizza can be a personal pizza if you have the right attitude.
Mark Withers
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
Marty Allen
When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.
Rich Hall
Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.
Doug Larson
In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard.
Demetri Martin
We hope our collection of funny quotes from comedians, celebrities, and philosophers made you laugh out loud and gives you the cheer you need to get through the day.
Come back anytime you can benefit from a good laugh, and stay inspired.
Source: https://www.keepinspiring.me/funny-quotes/
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